With the G.O.P. primary season just around the corner, and the next big Presidential race only a year away, I thought, as a public service, I would create an all-purpose, one size fits all political apology that the candidates may use in the coming year as their past follies and foibles are continually exposed in the national media.
If you are reading this and running for elected office yourself, feel free to customize your apology as you see fit to your region and your past mistakes. This is only intended as a template. Your actual political mileage may vary.
Dear (choose one) esteemed voters of Iowa/free citizens of New Hampshire/clueless and delusional people of (name of your state or district here):
It is with tremendous (choose one) sadness/regret/political necessity that I appear before you here today.
Recent reports of my past (choose one) political cronyism/affair with a staffer/inappropriate bodily contact with a farm animal have been (choose one) greatly exaggerated/blown out of proportion/thankfully not caught on video.
My past behavior was (choose one) inappropriate/ill-timed/something anyone in my position would have done and I have caused great public humiliation both to myself and (choose two) my wife/my family/my public supporters/the American people/Theo, my childhood sock puppet I still carry with me everywhere I go.
As you know, if you have (choose one) read about the sordid affair in a gossip magazine at the beauty salon/seen the cell phone pictures on the internet/watched Jon Stewart mock my texts on The Daily Show, there is no excuse for my past behavior, but let me say in my defense that (choose one) I was addicted to Oxycotin following my back surgery/it was a mere youthful indiscretion/I only did it to better serve my country.
This is a little misunderstanding and there’s a simple explanation for everything. It was all just a matter of (choose one) a misinterpretation of something I meant as a joke/my accountant inadvertently adding some extra zeroes to that check/Mr. Binky accidentally slipping out of a hole in my pants.
At the end of the day, this election is not about (choose one) me/my opponent/the creamy, smooth thighs of a 17-year-old intern, but the American people. Now that I have acknowledged that mistakes were made, it’s time for all of us to (choose one) put this matter behind us/return to the more important business of leading America/stop putting that crazy bitch on every cable news show on television.
If there's one thing I have learned in my previous career as a (choose one) C.E.O./elected official/fellow at a left/right wing nut job think tank, it's that (choose one) my family is more important to me than anything else in the world/America is the greatest country on earth/the media has such a short attention span that they won't give a crap about this story in two weeks.
If I am elected, I will humbly use this experience to (choose one) be a better husband/make America great again/use Air Force One as one kick-ass party in the sky.
Most importantly, I want to thank (choose one) you for your time/you for your forgiveness/ my staff for disabling the security cameras.
God Bless America.
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