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| If it's got to be clean, it's got to be Tide™. |
When the "513" area code - Cincinnati, Ohio - popped up on an incoming call on my cell phone the other day, I figured it was just another telemarketer. So it was quite a shock when I answered the call and heard a voice with an Indian accent on the other line say, "This is Sanjay Fukya, V.P. of Social Marketing for Proctor and Gamble calling for Vince Cleary."
"This is Vince speaking."
"Hi Vince. Great to finally talk to you! How are you? Are you familiar with Proctor and Gamble?"
"Yes. I believe so."
"We are the largest maker and advertiser of consumer goods in North America. My job is to expand our advertising footprint and consumer awareness in less traditional markets. We've been keeping an eye on your blog for several weeks now, and we have a proposition for you. Are you still there?"
"Yes, I'm listening."
"Great. I've been looking at the latest figures and search results from Google, and I see that your blog has grown from 25 page views a day to 250,000 in the last two months, is that correct?"
It was. My page views have skyrocketed ever since I discovered a way to make every Google search for "Scarlett Johansson & naked," "Scarlett Johansson & nude" and "Scarlett Johansson & cell phone pictures" link to my blog.
"Yes, that's true..."
"Well, we here at Proctor and Gamble would like to harness the power of your loyal readership and personal network to leverage our products. We would like to advertise on your blog."
"You mean it would be 'Going to War with Proctor & Gamble'...?"
"No, not quite that obvious, Vince. We prefer to sell our actual products over our corporate name. We have 24 brands that each have annual sales in excess of one billion dollars. We would like to advertise those brands through your blog."
"I don't know, Sanjay. It was Sanjay, right? I just feel my blog is a personal journalistic endeavor that has enabled me to develop a special relationship with my readers. I don't think I could risk my journalistic integrity or abuse my reader's trust for monetary reasons."
"Vince, I am authorized to pay you a four figure amount on a weekly basis if we proceed with this marketing plan."
"You'll pay me more than a grand a week to shill household goods on my blog? Where do I sign?"
And that's how I sold out. Hey, I've got two hockey-playing kids in private school and need to put food on the table. I promise I will still provide you the same hard-hitting, insightful pieces I always have, just with a short word from my sponsor during each blog post.
(Oops! I just spilled my coffee cup on my pants while I was typing the previous paragraph. Good thing I have plenty of eco-friendly, stain-fighting Tide™ in the house to clean these pants!)
"I'll have legal e-mail you the paperwork and we can get started. I'm really excited about partnering with you on your blog, Vince. One more little thing, some of us here in Marketing have a few 'suggestions' if we are going to pay you for your blog."
"You do? Suggestions? What would those be, Sanjay?"
"Yes, Vince. Just a few things that our team here thinks would improve your blog. Little things. First, the title..."
"The title? You don't like the title?"
"No, no, we LOVE the title, Vince. It's great. We just think it has some room for improvement. "Going" implies that you are about to do something in the future, not now. We find our customers live in the moment. They want instant satisfaction. We would like to change "going" to "Go."
"OK. 'Go to War...' Not sure that makes sense there, Sanjay."
"No, you're right, Vince. Not quite. Which leads us to our next suggestion. Advertisers prefer to stay away from negative words like 'War.' Could we find a more pleasant word than war?"
"Well, it's not my word, Sanjay. It's from a quote by Donald Rumsfeld."
"Yes, it is, Vince. And it's a very good quote. It's just a bit harsh. How about 'brush' or 'encounter'?"
"You would like to call my blog 'Go Brush with the Army...?'"
"Not quite, Vince. We have another suggestion."
"Somehow I thought you would, Sanjay."
"Our blog title focus groups tell us..."
"You have focus groups for blog titles?"
"Oh, absolutely, Vincent. We don't do anything without focus group data. Anyway, those focus groups tell us that people find the word 'Army' offensive. They feel it has a violent association."
"Well, Sanjay, Army's tend to kill people."
"Yes, that's certainly true, Vince, but we have some alternatives..."
"I thought you would. Fire away."
"How do you feel about 'team' or 'unit'?"
"You would like to title my blog 'Go Brush with the Team You Have?'"
"Not entirely. You see, we are not crazy about 'You Have.' We can't sell something to our customers if they already "have" it. We would prefer the title without the "have."
"You would? What do you propose as an alternative, Sanjay?"
"We have a couple of suggestions. "Are" and "want' both tested very well."
"They did? You had them tested already? So you would like to change the title of my blog from 'Going to War with the Army You Have...' to 'Go Brush with the Team You Want...?'"
"Almost, Vincent. We have one final request since we will be paying you a considerable weekly sum. We would like the name of our product in the title."
"You would? Of course you would. So what title would Proctor and Gamble prefer there, Sanjay?
"I don't know, Sanjay. That sounds like a big change. Is that all?"
"Not quite, Vincent. Our Executive V.P. of Marketing read your blog the past week and he has a few recommendations as well."
"He does? Dare I ask?"
"He said you write too much about Ireland. Ireland is a foreign country with a violent past. That's not the type of topic that will provide positive association for our customers."
"Anything else?"
"He says you write a lot about hockey. He feels people find hockey foreign and violent. We may be able to put your hockey posts up in our Canadian markets, but not in the U.S."
"I see. Is that it?"
"A few more things. You seem to write a lot about airlines and flying. People don't like airlines and our testing shows they hate to fly, Vince. We'd like to cut those posts out."
"No Ireland, no hockey, no flying. Anything else, Sanjay?"
"Just one more thing. You sometimes write about Hollywood. We still do a great deal of advertising on traditional broadcast networks and we fear some of those 'inside Hollywood' stories may offend our partners in old media."
"No more Hollywood stories? I'm not sure what there's left to write about."
"Oh, Vince, we here at Proctor & Gamble all love your blog. We are prepared to compensate you handsomely for all these changes."
"I guess I could try it for a couple of weeks and see how it goes. Is that it? Anything else?"
"One last thing. The name 'Vincent' didn't test very well. People associate it with crazy painters who cut off their ears. How would you feel about changing your name to 'Justin' or 'James?' They both test much better."
"Sanjay. Maybe I'm not your guy."
"Oh, you are, Mr. Cleary. Very much so. You have tested very high. Try it for a week and see how it goes. At the end of the day, you can always go back to your old blog. Trust me."
This has been Justin "Presented by Tide" Cleary with today's post.
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